Self-discipline

I haven't written about writing very much.  I think that is for a couple reasons.

First, I started querying my novel and I don't think it's appropriate to talk about that process until all is said and done.  That manuscript is in the drawer.  It breaks my heart to put it there, but it is where it needs to be.  Maybe one day I can go back to it.

Second, I haven't had much to say.  I haven't read any books on craft yet this year (although that will hopefully change) and although I did work diligently the first few months, things have kind of slacked off.

And right now as I was sitting at my computer contemplating the pros and cons of writing, Tetris, reading, doing a puzzle, and cleaning my apartment (I was leaning towards Tetris)... I realized that I have lost all self-discipline.

I read books and blogs.  I stream BBC's Sherlock on Netflix (Amazing!).  I jot down ideas on post-its at work and text myself snippets of dialog at the check out.  I think about fixing scenes in my script.  I think about going back to my novel.  I think about the million new ideas floating around my head.  But I don't write.

It all started with putting that manuscript in the drawer.  I knew it needed to be done, but still I resisted.  I said I was over it, I was moving on, I was working on the next project.  But instead I was thinking of ways to fix the first project, desperately holding on to it.

I thought all I needed was time to get over it.  But today I realized that not only have I not been writing, but I have been epicly failing in other areas of my life.  I haven't vacuumed in weeks.  I leave packages sitting in the building's main office for days and days (even though I know it drives them nuts).  I haven't been sleeping.  I haven't been eating healthy.  And I certainly haven't been exercising.

I have completely lost control of my life.  To get it back, I know it's going to start with sitting down and putting words on paper.  Even if they suck.  Allowing myself to fail in trying isn't the same as failing because I've let my life go to ****.

So there are some changes coming.  I'm sure you'll hear about them soon.  But until then.  My butt is in the chair.  And the words are going on the page.  And I have a new self-imposed deadline whose ass I need to kick.